* This is a post that was written long ago and hidden in the abyss of "drafts". Evan has since moved home with Tuna since I wrote this, but the core of this post continues to hold true.
I write a lot about being weird. I take pride in being weird. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, nor am I normal.
What is normal though?
I had this thought rushing through my head yesterday. I sat with it, which I almost never do. I usually have to word vomit it out and continue on.
I sat with it this time though.
I have a weird normal life situation right now. Let's call it an abnormal. Some people refer to it as strange. Yet, to so many, it is a normal. Context:
4 years ago, Evan moved away from our hometown. I moved back in with my parents. He went to a city 8 hours away. It was manageable to get to for both of us, although anyone who has driven that stretch of the trans-canada knows how hairy it can get in the winter. Almost 2 years ago, he packed up and moved another 8 hours further away (16 hour road trip). More accessible options for me to visit, but more pricey. Road tripping became a less viable option, plus it still includes that awful stretch of highway. What use to be monthly quick turnaround weekend trips turned into half week trips.
SO many people ask - when are you going to move with him? When will you have children? Are you buying a house?
These well meaning questions increased (and still happen) after we got married in August of 2020.
The answers are simply no and not yet.
I've been told how odd this is countless times.
"Are you ok" "Are you REALLY ok?" "How are you" "It's ok to not be ok around me!" "I couldn't do this, you're a stronger person than I am" "How do you do it?"
Covid aside, and trickiness of travel aside... we're actually doing ok.
Is it an ideal situation? No.
Is it a forever situation? No. Although we have days where it feels like it is! It's definitely been longer than what we anticipated.
Many people have drilled into them that their sense of "normal" is how things should flow, and when they don't it disorients them. Many are confused by my decision to not be physically near my husband.
The truth, is that we aren't white picket fence people (I'd prefer a black wrought iron one to be honest)... although we have those goals eventually. It's not that we don't want to physically be in the same city, it's that it doesn't make sense for us right now. It took a lot to get here, but I have to say we're generally happy with the way things are right now. And incredibly grateful for technology.
What keeps me here?
I had a nagging feeling I needed to be here. I wouldn't find out why for the first two years but...
Unfortunately, and fortunately, that meant that I was here for the last year my mom was alive and got to spend so much extra time living here with her. You can't put a price on that. Or a feeling for that matter.
Furthermore... I love being near most of my friends. I love being near my family - especially being only 8 hours away from Kerry & Christine - its manageable (a quick bus trip!). Also, I love my job. I haven't found anything comparable or any huge reason to leave where I'm happy. The list goes on extensively.
My only reason to leave here is that my husband is missing physically from my life. And Tuna. (Hi Tuna!).
On the flip side, Evan loves his job. He's enjoying where he's living. He's enjoying his learning experiences...and now he has Tuna. (Hi Tuna!). He couldn't be doing any of that here.
This isn't one of those inspirational "take the leap" things. This isn't saying that I don't terribly miss my husband. What we're getting at is that - we love each other, we're each other's person - but sometimes that means you have to let your person do their own thing.
Evan wants to be a pilot, and this is his best chance at achieving his dreams.
I want to be able to support him the best I can, and I can do that in the best way by being right where I am.
We believe that one person should not control your entire world. I won't hold him back from living his best life, nor will (or has) he held me back from living mine. There are many planets in my galaxy, he's a big planet but not the only one.
Plus - when we achieve our individual goals, we end up achieving our relationship ones.
Two for one? You know a b!*ch buys 4!
Does this make me stronger than you?
Not at all. I've always adapted to situations as they come. It's taken a lot of inner work and reflection to get here - a happy place to be. I try my darnedest to not compare myself to others. It's taken me 30+ years to get to this place.
I was in a long distance relationship eons ago as well. I remain good friends with this person to this day - we've never physically met. Did this help prepare me for my relationship with Evan? I offer a lot of credit there too.
Is it normal? Is it abnormal? Is it strange?
At the heart of it, what is normal?
Everyone's normal is different. This is just our normal.
Our normal fluctuates and grows, it isn't one stagnant thing. We're doing the best we can with our chins held high. Do we have our moments? Yep. Do I breakdown sometimes? Absolutely. But I can't just unpack and live in that feeling. My life would be in shambles.
At the end of the day... It's always ok to not be ok, but I promise when it comes to this, we're doing alright.
- L
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