I should be working on a million things right now but, here we are again sharing feelings instead. (You're welcome.) My mom and I had an interesting relationship. The older I get, the more I realize that we couldn't stand many people that were the same as us; so it explains why we didn't get along well for the majority of my life. (Spoiler alert: I've succumbed to many people's internal fear and became my mother). Months before her passing and just before she got her terminal diagnosis, we had started to plan my wedding. After her diagnosis, I rushed to make some decisions so that she could be part of the planning; knowing full well she wouldn't be alive to attend. I wanted to have a sense of "I planned this with my mom". I knew we wouldn't get to go wedding dress shopping, or have her around for other important moments. I wanted to make this special. I told her my dress goals, showed her some of the things I was thinking of incorporating. She adamantly refused for us to rush anything for her to be there. That wasn't what was important to her. (My mom was a rather selfless woman externally. Internally I'm certain she struggled as much as I do.) My mom was married twice. She had the big shindig the first time, the second time (when she married my dad) they had a tiny courthouse ceremony. Prior to her falling ill, she (and my father) continually pushed and joked for Evan and I to be eloped in Las Vegas ("coincidentally"...it was one of their favourite vacation spots)
What she continued to push though, was that no matter what, we do things the way *we* wanted to do them. It was *our* day and not anyone else's.
When I was little I dreamed of the big $50,000 wedding. The gorgeous gown, lots of decorations, etc. I had severely scaled that dream back over the years into a day that fit myself and Evan. We had planned the perfect day, for us.
We're set to be wed this August 22nd. Everything was booked, ready to go.
Fast forward to this past week. We're living in this moment now. The pandemic has put a rut into so many people's lives - so many changed plans, unexpected surprises (good and bad) and so much more.
We had to sit down and make some "big girl" decisions about our wedding (Kerry often uses that term and I've adopted it).
When do we cancel? What do we cancel? What *really* matters?
What we've settled on is that we will still get married. It won't be in the space we wanted to, but rather in my parent's backyard. We won't be surrounded by our giant family and our friends; we'll be surrounded instead by our immediate family and our wedding party. The rest will be able to stream the ceremony. We then will push our reception to next year. All decisions that weren't made lightly or quickly.
There are of course, some extra minor inconveniences that we'll have to deal with. My wedding dress is currently stuck at the border store (I can't cross to get it) and some of those dear to us will also be stuck on the other side as well. Some of our wedding party may also now not be able to attend for a variety of reasons.
At the end of the day; we know someone's feelings will be hurt. While I can hold space for that pain, I cannot carry it (this is my circus and the monkeys are free to feel their own feelings). My mom told me to do it our way, and we are. To the best of our ability. She urged me to continue my life without carrying the burden of other people's feelings (as she did). I'm trying really hard to listen to her, for once.
Why am I writing about this? Is it to whine? (Yeah, maybe a little) but it's so that maybe someone out there feels less on their own. We're putting the *we* back into *wedding*. This is about what works for us, not for others.
To all of you out there with rearranged plans, sore hearts from not seeing loved ones, and everything in between. I see you. To the one's who aren't living their dream, I see you. I see you making the best of what is a really cruddy situation, to the best of your ability.
Stay safe.
- Laura
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