This post started because a brown paper bag with my name showed up in the mailbox. I knew it was coming (and what it was), we aren't real great at keeping secrets between us, especially happy ones... like gifts - mainly because we're always SO excited to give the gift. To invoke joy, on and in, the other(s).
My mom worked hard to keep things together. In order. She selflessly gave. She kept all of us together in some way. She also kicked my ass real good, a lot and often.
When she first got sick, she told me to change things in the house, to make them work the way that I needed them to. She relinquished her control. I can only assume how hard this was for her.
I made a little change today in her space... The kitchen. Not a big one. I put some spices away, some dishes, cleaned up the kitchen a bit... the biggest change was flipping up a cutting board and moving some spices off of it. Trivial to most... giant to me. That cutting board has been there for the better part of the past 15+ years.
(We'll get back to the paper bag in a second, I promise) This house is a creature of habit. You can tell by the shuffle paths on the old hardwood upstairs. These paths forged by 5 sets of human feet, and the cats throughout the years. Things in this house, don't really change. The layout, the furniture... The other day I noticed the paths were changing though. Wear in the floor was becoming different in different places.. this is because of the 5th set of feet (Evan has been here for a year now). I made a new scuff in the bathroom floor the other day too (whoops). Change.
Alright, the brown paper bag.
My aunt, Kerry's mom, leaving a treat for me in the mailbox is nothing new. Sometimes its thrifted clothes, trinkets from her house... today it was Richard Wagamese's Embers. I know she's been on the hunt for it for me for a long while. Stalking Chapters... they finally had it. I knew it was coming because Kerry told me, because I asked, because, well... we always know. Kerry's mom is also really good at kicking my ass real good, and often. I got a lecture last week about doing too much for others and not taking care of myself (again) and to not turn myself into her or my mother (again). Today's gift appeared when I needed it the most. When I felt defeated by covid, by the weight of the world, and burnout hitting me all at once. A moment of love and grace amongst chaos. I made a little change in the kitchen, and the mailbox clicked moments later. A little sign of love from the universe. Things may change. The paths we're on, the paths in our homes. The shuffle and pitter patter of feet in our lives, our ho(l)mes, and our hearts. Change is the only consistent. It's inevitable, until it isn't. Everything's eventual. Be the change you want to see in your world, in your reality. Do what works for you. Much love,
Cousin Laura.
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