Each year for the past several years I seem to have phrases that come to mind. The phrase
“Division is distraction” was the phrase of 2021. Seemed to make sense at the time. Fast forward to 2022. Seems even more fitting.
Today, I was speaking to a group of women all from the same workplace about civility and respectful communication. Each and every single day they are faced with a lot of unkind, disrespectful, unnecessary verbal assaults from the general public. There isn’t a particular face, gender, or age when it comes to identifying the people who deliver this type of disgusting communication. They are bombarded with the public who seem to think it is ok to belittle, berate, and verbally abuse the very people who are there to serve them.
I asked this group “How do you respond to those who are disrespectful and abusive towards you?” Keep in mind that many of us were raised to respect others; respect our elders. This can seem tricky when the behaviour of others is anything but respectful. One commented “I treat them with respect as I believe it is more of a reflection of the respect of have for myself.” (insert mind blown emoji)
We could look at any topic in the world right now. Where’s the curiosity? Where’s the middle ground? Where’s the kindness? Name any topic and I will show you how it has become so incredibly polarized. Take food - “Almonds are healthy.” Vs “I’m allergic to almonds – they will kill me.” It seems that some would have us believe we live in a this or that world.
Our other topic today was that of conflict – often disrespectful behaviour leads to conflict. I had a brainwave a while back thinking about the different reasons we might see conflict. One of my mentors introduced me to Christopher Moore’s Circle of Conflict. It looks at the reason why we might have conflict including: Relationship, Data, Structural, Values, and Interests. The folks I was with today are dealing with a lot of conflict. When we look at some of the conflict we are faced with, we can easily shift it to a relationship conflict… but is it really? Is every conflict a personality clash? I’m thinking not. Back to my brainwave… I was looking around at the differences of opinions (don’t need my bifocals to look to hard for those) when I realized that a difference of opinion/truth I had with someone wasn’t a relationship conflict… it was a values conflict.
Can you think of a time you had a conflict/difference of opinion (values, data) with someone and inadvertently turned it into a relationship conflict? I’m wondering how much of the division in our world is caused by not understanding the root of the reason for the conflict. I call it the “You’re-not-invited-to- my-birthday-party” syndrome. We take a seemingly innocent misinterpretation of data and attach a name or face and personalize it.
That brings us to 2021’s phrase of “Division is distraction.” Anytime we are divided it usually stems from a distraction. Were we distracted by our own truth and unable to see the other side? Have you seen that cartoon image of a person looking at a number on the ground – for them it is a 6. The person opposite them says “Uh no, it’s a 9!” Who is right? Each of them own their truth. How can we apply empathy while trying to see things from another person’s perspective? Empathy is trying to take the perspective of another.
Now there will be times where that might be impossible. (Stay with me) Let’s circle back (see what I did there) to Christopher Moore’s Circle of Conflict – remember the whole Values conflict. (hold on here comes phrase of 2019) “Is it possible” that we are unable or unwilling to take the perspective of another? There is a massive difference between being willing and able. When we are unable or even unwilling to take the perspective of another, we stunt our own growth.
Let’s turn the wheel again… think of the people who are on the receiving end of this uncivilized, unkind, disrespectful, harassing, selfish behaviour. Can those serving up this behaviour… can they simply insert a teensy bit of empathy? Can they imagine, even for a moment, what it might be like to be on the receiving end?
One of my favourite quotes from Daniel Goleman (EI and SI expert) tells us that “the emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.” I know that is a truth in my life. Think about it… when was the last time you had a strong reaction to something you saw, read, heard? Did you automatically have the most logical thoughts? What about the last time you had a disagreement with a loved one? “Hmmm… I have all the reasonable rational thoughts coming right up!” I could fill this page on examples from my life where experiences like climbing through a waist high grass tick filled ditch in a wet cheetah print bathing suit was THE most logical thing to do in order to find a hitch for the trailer I had lost the week previous. That makes zero sense! BUT at that time my emotional brain was SURE this was the most logical thing. Thank goodness my thinking brain finally got a word in edge wise and stopped me from making a terrible choice.
Many are thirsting for change in so many areas. I’d like to leave with a quote from Nelson Mandela – “I believe in the end that it is kindness and accommodation that are all the catalysts for real change.” My hope is that with small shifts we can make the changes that are needed so that we see less distraction with division and an increase of kindness even in tough moments.
xo Cousin Kerry
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