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Writer's pictureCousin Christine

A bear and a rabbit in the woods.




A bear in the woods was taking a poop, he looked down and to his surprise saw a rabbit. The Bear suddenly spoke. “Does poop ever get stuck to your fur?” he asked. The rabbit, startled by the sudden intrusion on his own poop replied; “Thankfully no!”


The bear then said; “Good to hear!” And proceeded to pick up the rabbit and wipe his butt with him.


A childish joke, sure - this is pretty much the level of my sense of humour. Like most kids I liked fart jokes and saying poop like it was a swear word. Maybe I wasn’t your typical little girl OR maybe I WAS. I have a vivid memory of being about 7 years old and going berry picking with my grandmother. We hopped into her little brown Volkswagen bug and headed of to a dirt road she knew well, with dog in tow. After about 15 minutes of chit chat and chokecherry picking suddenly I had a violent gurgle in my guts and I knew I was in trouble. I had to poop.


Rather than being smart and saying; “Grandma, I need to go poop!” I said; “Grandma, I need to use the washroom!” And she told me to do what every farm kid has done for a million years.


“Just go use the bushes, there’s no one around!”


With dread and trepidation, I wandered off to find a spot to pop a squat and relieve myself of this horrible embarrassment. This dread that was pressing down on my entire body like lead. The popular book "Everybody Poops" by Minna Unchi had yet to be translated to English so I was unaware that this inevitability was just that. Inevitable! All things considered, it went well. I was even able to find enough leaves to wipe my rear end. I returned triumphant and no one was the wiser!


That is until the dog came running back from the general vicinity of my dirty secret, covered in it.


Grandma kept saying; “You dirty dog!”


I felt it all over my skin. I felt dirty and ashamed. Grandma knew we didn’t have toilet paper, grandma knew that I had just gone to use the bushes… I had pooped and the dog had ratted me out!



Now, why am I telling you this? The internet is going to catalogue that information for all time and eternity for everyone to see and know… well, that’s kind of the point.


Christine shit in a bush and the dog rolled in it and now everyone knows!


I was doing some family genealogy research a few days ago and I found out that my grandmother (yes the very one) had a grandmother who was a convicted larcenist. She had stolen a shawl and some fabric (presumably from an employer) in England and was convicted in October of 1863. I found her notice of Parole or “License to be at large” which stated she had served 3 years for the crime.


Now, I know it wasn’t a poop. But I bet she had some pretty strong feelings at the time about it and how it reflected on her and her character. Here I am more then 200 years later and the evidence of her dirty deed is still visible for all the world to see. Written down and posted on the internet in perpetuity.


I don’t think she could have even imagined something like the internet, but in all honesty I’m grateful for this record. I love her. I love knowing that fact. I don’t know the details of why she did it, or if she was even really guilty of what she was convicted of, times being what they were.


I laughed audibly when I read it. Laughed out loud, lol'ed.


It’s an insight into a person I will never meet but somehow we have the ability to connect through this indiscretion, I also wonder if we would have been fast friends or cohorts. I mean situations arise where sometimes I’ve not displayed the best judgement (see above) and how much of the processes of my brain are actually inherited behaviour processes? Granted, I was 7 when I pooped in the bush, she was 24 when she stole the shawl and the fabric. (allegedly)


I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m going to imagine that there was a reason. A series of events if you would have it, that lead to the unfortunate incarceration of this woman.


200 years from now, if you are some great great grand niece or great cousin 5x removed, please know that I am a human being with flaws and bad judgement. You probably have felt some of the same feelings I have. You should also know that these are the things that connect us. Our fallibility, our flaws are part and parcel to our humanity.


So, make mistakes, they are a badge that you’ve lived. It won’t be the end of the world.


After being pardoned by the queen my great great grandmother went on to have 6 children, moved to a new country, survive her husband by 30 years and live to be over 100.


I might pee in the back yard to celebrate her. I am over 40 now so that seems like the more reasonable rebellion, I can't see myself nicking a shawl or some fabric.




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